dissociation

tonight i played some songs i haven’t listened to for some time. they feel strange. as if it’s been years since they made me smile on buses... i’ve been looking for a particular kind of music lately and i purposely avoided other music... i hate i always associate music with some things, places, people, feelings. so i decided to take the test. i guess i failed, but there’s still hope. i’m working on dissociating things, places, people, feelings.

tired

she texted. same old sorry lying shit. i have nothing to say. or i have too much to say but it just won't make any fucking difference. i've come to think there's a weird logic to it... again i was caught up in something else and it allowed me to live through the edge smoothly. good.

i abolished you

it makes me sick to think of you
my stomach clenches with horror
and i long to vomit the parts of you that homed in me
your breath is toxic
your mouth leaves bloody traces on my heart
my organs convulse with repulsion
at the sense of your inept heart
your fingers infect my veins
your grotesque love pollute the air
and i can’t breathe around you
your hideous words foul the spaces they fall upon
you bring a monstrous world with you
and i refuse to go on.