pain

i go to sleep with it. i carry it in my dreams. it perfuses every nerve in my heart, it flows through my arteries, it travels surreptitiously through my body. i drag it with me everywhere, like an extra limb, deformed, visible, shameful. but there’s one moment of incertitude when i wake up, a moment when i don’t know exactly what part of me hurts. the pain is still there, but it’s diffused, fluid, familiar, somewhat sweet. then the knot lowers to my stomach, plaguing my intestines, jolting into my cunt. i raise my trunk but i can’t stand up. i’m strangely filled with loss.