next week

i'm on my way to a big decision. i'm ambivalent. i'm scared. i'm offended. i'm hurt. i'm ashamed. i don't know if it's intensity or pride.

trembling

i feel all this energy building up inexorably to my own effacing in front of you.

schedule

fuck everyday moments of respect. and fuck you for scheduling me.

iulie

uitarea da-n clocot. azi imi sunt degetele usoare ca praful. mi-e greata blanda de plans. ma sufoc treptat, dar mi-e bine. mi-e lipsa mare si grea. mi-e mana fara gand, degete, cuvinte. imi fug semnele de punctuatie, mai ales punctele de suspensie. mi s-a prins un carlig mare de pirat in tampla si-mi zvacneste din cand in cand ochiul drept. si cel stang. ma ajustez cu incapatanare, dar tot mi-e sufletul dat in parg. mi-e calendarul sangerand.

lack

i'm in the middle of nowhere.

pain

i go to sleep with it. i carry it in my dreams. it perfuses every nerve in my heart, it flows through my arteries, it travels surreptitiously through my body. i drag it with me everywhere, like an extra limb, deformed, visible, shameful. but there’s one moment of incertitude when i wake up, a moment when i don’t know exactly what part of me hurts. the pain is still there, but it’s diffused, fluid, familiar, somewhat sweet. then the knot lowers to my stomach, plaguing my intestines, jolting into my cunt. i raise my trunk but i can’t stand up. i’m strangely filled with loss.

refusal

i refuse to inhabit the world you built. i refuse to respond to the subject position you ascribe me. i refuse to take on the label dependant. i refuse to see my feelings as too much. i refuse to accept i am too scared. i refuse to comply to your requirements. i refuse to censure my words. i refuse to moderate my feelings. i refuse to temper my intensity.