shame

just this impossibility like a living barrier perfusing every mind-heart cell. lots of outrage and feeling unreal. the things i believe in knocked against the things others believe in slap me from time to time. i don’t understand many things it seems. and i am usually self-protective enough to flee reality when things get ugly. i’m coward enough. all feelings i don’t find the words to express behind one: shame.

snow

one full day. continuous tender sweet presence. low fenced balcony and bare tree tops, hands shivering and light snow. happying texts. feroce :)

oh well

the thing is that i don’t get it. i never seem able to get it, though i’ve been shown so many times that i tire myself out... sometimes i have this weird feeling of total uselessness and it’s so painful to get it over and over again, more often than not lately. i wish I could understand. i wish i could ask and get an answer. but neither my words are straight, nor will the answer be. the choice is always biased. my whole being revolves around a few words and i feel needy and ashamed. i just curl on the inside wherever the chance finds me and smiles and buses seem so far away right now.

game

oh, i forgot to say that grey days usually hurt. they hurt when you know. or when you think you know. and i hate it when i think i know, cos i actually have no idea. no idea at all. oh well, it hurts when i think i have no idea at all too. it hurts when i write. like right now. when i know it’s grey but i think it’s actually sunny. tooooo weird... there’s a big big world, that’s the problem. and it hurts to write. have i already said that? yeah, i guess i have... but it hurts not to write too. it hurts to be written. and of course it hurts not to be written too. the game is quite simple.

just figure out the conclusion. it's easy.

grey

how about grey days? are they blue or not? i guess sometimes they are and sometimes they aren’t. it all depends on the texts. different kinds of. texts are the sort of products that can be read alternatively. and there is a sense of equilibrium maintained by the words that don’t allow much space. though the processes that they send to are multiple. but equilibrium is something i have never learnt how to deal with. it’s just too dull and restricting. disbalance is my middle name.

tattoo

i’d get a tattoo. the kind that stays. the kind that is done directly on the heart. the kind that stains my t-shirt and my mind. i feel the words clenching fists in my stomach. way beyond that. way beyond anything. so simple, though. so human. and i sigh.

yesterday

the temperature, just like the time, works in mysterious ways. i am not cold because it is cold, i am cold because i feel cold. i was cold the whole day yesterday. that’s why i didn’t feel like writing, that’s why it felt hard to even talk. but i walk easily, i would walk all the time if i could. it takes the kind of energy that gives my thoughts space for other places, and the soundtrack is usually helping. only once in the last five months i was upset and took it on the soundtrack. the soundtrack is actually my way of assessing closeness and need. just like the temperature is the way my body lets me know when something is going wrong. sleep...

knots

my general backwardness is itching kinda worse lately. so i have changing thoughts in my head and the knots are sometimes so loose and sometimes they just tighten up to the point of explosion. but, of course, the fog has a main pain part in everything and i'm curiously, as usually, waiting for the next round. later round. breaks are the kind of things that worry me. coffee breaks too. maybe i need one right now.

city

there was this stupid poem for kids about the lights of the city being always on... i don't remember it, but it's funny how the lights are soooo lively on right now, i like to work here, it makes me feel good.

otherwise, the day was good, a few stupid blushing moments, but good overall, maybe something will come out of it, maybe february is closer than it feels and i don't know it. hope life's preparing a nice surprise for me, i guess i deserve it. yeah... whatever.

enjoy!

chocolate taste

i'm licking my heartwounds like a chocolate and i'm weirdly getting a familiar taste. so it's not necessarily the physical distance, but the heart distance. which is actually closeness. seriously, i don't always understand everything, but when i do, what a beautiful thing i get!

just wait and see.

why?

cos green days are just not blue.

mark my words :)